A Narcissist Manager’s Guide to the Workplace

A Narcissist Manager is someone who believes in nothing but self promotion.  Work comes close second, and people are the lowest on the priority list.  People are almost machines, or better work like machines, as emotions, personal preferences, ambitions, and all such “mushy” stuff are a waste of time, according to the narcissist Manager: “Get the job done, or else.”

The narcissist manager mentality is on the rise.  Yes, it is sad indeed.  However, one can easily be amused by the way of thinking of these managers, as it is amazingly simplified into its core beliefs: No one to be trusted, everyone is selfish, people should be intimidated into work, and yes the most important of all: your employees must fear you so they work properly.

I have met a few of these managers throughout my career.   They are so similar to an astonishing point.   If I was to put their behavior in a user manual, this is what it would look like.  Please note that I do NOT condone this behavior and I definitely discourage it and do not appreciate it.  However, just for fun and also learning what NOT to do, here is the quick guide:

1. Fire anyone you do not like, as soon as they cannot hurt you.  If they cannot be replaced, be nice to them until you can ditch them.

2. How to deal with those who say no, disagree with you, or hint at mistakes you made or are making? Preferably fire them.  If you cannot, then scare them and intimidate them into submission, if you cannot, or they are too strong, be nice to them, make them think you like them, then when the moment is right, make your move and fire them.

3. Sick people, or those you expect to be sick for a while: You guessed it; Fire them, but cover yourself legally, so you do not get sued.  Make up some accusations about their incompetence, mistakes, or anything else so no one knows the real reason you fired them.

4. Family members, friends, friends of friends, or people you need to kiss up to: Hire them.  You cannot have enough of these people.  Actually hire those who talk like you, dress like you, or say they like you.  Why not even hire those who look like you.  That is even better.  Nothing better than seeing good looking people to make one feel good about self.

5. Gossip, lying, manipulating, backstabbing, and hypocrisy, are the tools of the trade, when it comes to business. Encourage them among employees (as long as they are not directed at you) and learn to use them wisely.

6. Truth, honesty, loyalty, friendship, are all words used to manipulate others to believe you and do as you wish.  All are safe tools to use as long as you never really believe or “fall” for them.

7.  Never admit a mistake.  Blame it on someone else, or pretend it was not a mistake to start with.

8. Put down others’ work, then at the right moment put it in a different format and claim it is yours.

9.  When in a team, do the least work, and most of the talking.  Feel free to claim team victory as yours.  It is yours after all: you are the inspired boss.

10.  Attack competitors, peers, and everyone else in your business network, but in a subtle way.  This will keep you shining and above everybody else.

11. When everything fails, blame someone, the weather, the whole team, government, economic conditions, but never assume you had anything to do with it.

12. Emotions, empathy, and feeling for others are for the weak.  This is why you win, and you are superior, because you do not let such foolishness get in your way.

13. If you end up alone and hated, it is only because you are so successful, and beautiful too.  This has got to raise the level of envy of others.  So, consider it a compliment that you have no friends.

14. Some people in your organization stay for a very long time.  These are the keepers.  They figured out how to work with you.  They never leave, they have no ambition, they are willing to keep doing what they are doing for you.  These are the kind of people you need around you.  Welcome hem, keep them, and reward them.

15.  Some people, troublemakers, want to do things differently, have their own ideas, and other blasphemous behavior.  These leave your organization quickly, either fired or run away.  The sooner the better.  Good riddance.

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