If you encounter this personality once in a while you will end up with a bad day. But if they are close to you like a husband, wife, son, father, mother, boss, partner, or colleague, then they have the ability to hijack your life or career.
Cunning Deceiptful Manipulators (CDM) usually have a personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Covert Aggressiveness, or Psychopathy. They are more common in society than one would think. Five percent is the common number used (one in twenty people), but some feel it is increasing over the years.
I have a video on YouTube explaining the basics about this personality disorder, how to spot people who have, and how to deal with them. You can see it here: How to Deal with Cunning Deceiptful Manipulative People.
This post deals with more advanced signs of this disorder so you can protect yourself while dealing with them.
The eleven behaviors below are usually overlooked. I have not seen much reference to them out there. But they are key to understanding these personalities and dealing with them:
- Normal people usually are best to the people closest to them; wife, children, relatives, friends, etc. Not CDMs. They are best to the people furthest from them. They want to look good in their eye. But the people close to them are owned by them. their property. So they have to keep them under control through criticism, abuse, ridicule, and psychological games.
- CDMs have to look golden in the eyes of the public and distant people. Their reputation is the most important to them. They will do anything to look good in the public eye. Remember they think they are so important and the center of the public attention, even if in reality they are not. So they will do anything to preserve that public profile. They are willing to bad mouth others close to them. Tell lies about the people around them to make them look bad, so they preserve their own reputation. This is why the best way to influence the CDM is by showing him that what he is doing might hurt his image in front of others.
- They are giving and generous when you do not need their generosity. But they are mean and very unhelpful when you need their help most. Notice when they lend a hand and try to look generous. Usually it is when you are most independent of them and do not need their help. Because they are trying to use a technique on you called “love bombing.” Which means they are trying to take control of you by being giving and generous and kind. But when you are in need or in trouble, they will scold you, and be your harshest critics. They will justify it by saying that they are doing it out of concern and care for you.
- If you are good hearted, they will hate you more. They might even lable you as dumb or gullable. The more good hearted you are the more they will hate and attack you. Even if you are good hearted towards them. It makes them feel lacking in personality and they hate you for that.
- When they show anger, frustration, or any other emotion they are lying. They are acting. They are trying to get something from you and they will do any part to get that reaction from you. To them it is justified; they are either trying to help you become better because they care about you. Or they are retaliating for hurt that you caused them. You can never win with a narcissist. To themselves they are the best people on earth. You can never convince them that they are wrong.
- While most people want their children to be better than they are, for them if their children succeed independently from them it makes them very confused and frustrated. They will compete with their children. They will hurt their children even, just so they stay in control and superior. Their excuse is that their children are stupid, or unworthy for some reason. They make it look like the victim of their spouses or children and they are such good people.
- CDMs suffer a lot when they grow old. Much more than others. To them, they are losing control, they are getting needy of the assistance of others, they see younger people becoming stronger than them and more able. For example while normal people are happy to see their children around them when they need them, narcissists hate that they need the help of their children when they grow up and try their best to boast and show their independence from their children and that they do not need the children’s assistance. They will go out of their way to show people around them (the public) that they are on their own, managing, and taking care of their own self. There is one incident of a narcissist telling her caring grandchild that she hates his guts. And she did this as she took her last breaths. Amazing and sad a the same time. Even in her last breaths, she could not wast a chance to be in control by confusing her grand child.
- They hate it when they see others achieve better than them. The closest the person is the more hurtful to them it is when these people achieve. So when a close circle person something they try to distant themselves from them if they can. They do not want to be reminded of others’ success, because they see it reflecting on their lack of achievement.
- There is nothing random in a CDM’s behavior. They are very calculating. So, you might get surprised by a certain action from them that looks random, but rest assured they have been planning this action for days if not months, and the reason it looks sudden is tht they are very calculating and do not show their intent and plans except in the right moment; when you are most vulnerable, when they feel it is time to bring you down.
- Don’t think for a moment that they love you. They are not capable of love. They love themselves and your love is only part of loving themselves. But selfless love, no. Not possible.
- Next to every CDMtheir is almost always a side kick person. This sidekick person is usually a spouse who knows the CDM very well, and got accustomed to their ways. So they live with the CDM and observe them. They are critical of them and they show them how bad they are. The narcissist does not care because this person is not relevant any more. They are like a burnt card. No one listens to them. No one cares about them, because the narcissist was able to isolate them completely and make them part of the CDM self. This has to be one of the strangest relationships on earth. Two people coexisting. One CDM, the other observes the CDM and criticizes her or him harshly but the CDM does not care. They let them, just like one lets his internal critical thoughts. But when the CDM has enough and does not want to hear more, they know how to keep the sidekick at bay.